Guide to buying petrol (a rant of sorts about slow petrol buyers)

12 March 2010

Mar 12

If there is one thing that annoys me about having to fill the car up with petrol it's other people! Their inefficiency, down right slowness and stupidity all add to this already laborious task. I have written down some top tips for these idiots.

Tip one: Use the right damn pump!

There are a select few (quite a small minority have this level of idiocy) who, instead of waiting maybe a minute or two in a queue for the correct pump. Where the pump is positioned the same side as their fuel cap, they will of course, without a moments hesitation use the pump that is on the wrong side for their fuel cap. I mean christ, how stupid! Yes clever you! By pushing into another queue and using the pump the other side of the forecourt you have saved yourself minutes of waiting in a queue, genius. Except you're wrong! It's not genius at all it's in fact A grade weak-mindedness and very rude to boot.

Those precious minutes you saved in the queue you now spend looking like a total knob trying to stretch the hose around your vehicle wasting, yes you guessed it, minutes! The only thing we get out of this? Laughing at you because, lets face it, you're an idiot. When you do finally manage to get the nozzle into your fuel tank you then realise how far you are from the meter and the fact you're going to have to squint to see the digits. This again is the source of amusement for the people in the queue (of course not the same people for they have already fuelled).

So please, choose a queue and STICK TO IT.

Tip number 2: Prepare yourself for fuelling

A little bit of preparation can go a long way it allows you to be ready for the situation saving you and others frustration. One classic example of lacking preparation when fuelling is to not prepare the payment method. How many times have you been sat waiting in a queue while some imbecile attempts to find their wallet or purse. For god sake, prepare! If not before you get to the fuel station, then while you're sitting in the queue waiting for the unprepared tosser in front of you. So combined with tip one these are the things you need to prepare for.

Know your payment method before hand; for cash make sure you have enough.
Know the side of the car your fuel cap is located.
Know which fuel type you require.

Tip number 3: Multitasking

Multitasking is the act of undertaking more than one task at a time. This simple act can be applied to fuelling your vehicle. For example, while you're waiting for the meter to display the next menu option why don't you start opening your fuel cap? If you're going to be paying by cash then while you're fuelling why don't you get your wallet or purse out and have it ready to hand?

Multitasking allows you to utilise the wasted time normally spent just fuelling and means you're not holding up other motorists afterwards.

Tip number 4: Process of fuelling a.k.a how to use the pump

Using a petrol pump is a very simple task but for the simple people out there this simple task somehow becomes a slow and problematic. I will explain the simple steps needed for efficient fuelling .

Step 1 - select the payment method, if this your first time using the pump the please read the instructions and memorise them. If you are paying on card just insert your card into the slot (recommended method if not buying other goods), if you're paying by cash then press the button that reads something like "pay at the kiosk".
Step 2 - once you have chosen the payment method pick up the fuelling nozzle and insert it into your already opened fuel cap. However, do not press the leaver straight away! Listen for the machine to start and then wait 5 seconds! Only then should you begin.
Step 3 - hold the leaver down until you have reached the amount you wish to spend, or until the car is full the pump will stop functioning once it reaches the limit of the tank so please don't try and squeeze those extra few drops out of the pump it's pointless and gains you nothing; who bloody cares if you're under £20 by 3p, donate the change to fucking charity instead of worrying about it.=
Step 4 - Lift the nozzle out of the tank and just before it's fully out begin to tilt the end upwards as not to leak fuel down the body of your car! No one wants to wait while you clean your stupid mistake.

Tip 5: Finishing up a.k.a paying (if cash) and driving away

This is the step where preparation comes most into play! For now you are prepared, you have correct amount of cash you need and you have your wallet or purse at hand. If you're paying by cash and for fuel only then you can simply walk straight to the till, leaving your car briefly at the pump - this is acceptable. However, if you plan to buy other goods, or shop around in the garage then please, if provided, use the fucking parking bays and do not leave your car next to the pump. People who leave their car at the pump while they read the magazines should have their license revoked.

On a side note, if you're not buying other goods from the station then why don't you just pay on card? Nearly all petrol stations have card pay points; they're secure, faster and you have an electronic record on your statement for the fuel transaction.

So, that wraps up some top tips I have for the stupid bastards out there who slow the rest of us efficient fuelers down with their simpleton actions. I hope they can learn from these tips and make fuelling a much quicker experience for all of us.

The rant is now over, so happy driving folks!